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joanna carlos
joanna carlos OKAY, SINCE I am generally kind, I will inform you of my latest endeavors. What have I been doing since this writing contribution? I have written about how writing comes very difficult to me. I have thought about why I have writer's block this bad. I am more repressed than necessary. There are a million things on my mind that are stifling my creativity. I am so old already. Too much drive unattended. There's so much left in the gutter. There is no way for proper blossoming in a place like that.

I know why writing can come across as that. I am different as different can be. I have interests that are gaping wide open, waiting for me to venture into. Too little sunshine as well. I feel the need to go out at least twice a week. That is when I am free to look around the province of Pampanga and think of things. I wonder if there are people who retire early, especially if their lives have already been rather illustrious and colorful. Creative people are often the case in this scenario, I mean; they will get tired at some point. They don't know what they're getting into. Then there's me, 23 and already living a life that's been wrung dry. I've already done everything I'd want; I was always, ever only free.

I know why people go forwards, if you'd had a taste of it, you'd go on, especially if it pays well.

I wonder why many other people don't seem to have any opinions or thoughts about the topics I am into. It's almost like... they're unchanging. They probably have ugly smiles as well; they wouldn't be smiling when the day of reckoning comes. Some things really don't change. I can see right through you.

I overheard a radio telecast about a boy who was embarrassed to have never had a girlfriend. I listened to his self-examining soliloquy, in a letter which was read with awkwardness by a DJ, about the woes and sorrows such a position, or lack thereof accorded him. Why are people so close-minded? You'd turn down someone who would have had his first girl in you? It makes me wonder just how obtuse Philippine girls can get, especially if they think they belong when they don't, and will probably be disinherited anyway, probably for redundant obtuseness.

I am aware that the world is populated by the opposite sex as well. The same with sunshine, I don't get much from this occurrence. Well, they're just there. I noticed that boys seem to be cooler companions. They're nerds, and girls are nerds too. I'm saying this to protect all my friends, who were all nerds in nerd ways, but you see, this benevolence on my part robbed the sentence of the point, which is disparity between the sexes.

I don't mind that I am lacking in certain things. You don't know what you're missing, when you pass me by the street, but I know that I'm missing nothing when I pass you by. I feel that I am alone in my universe. No one is capable of getting in at all; with the same success I would enter another in the bat of an eyelash.

I write about things that are my fears. I am fearless, but in inappropriate things. In blogs, I look for the souls that I want. I wring them dry. They look like little toys of childhood, propped against my wall. The blog is free, and I leave it to you to wonder what I really feel, I am too old, too spent.

[About the author. Joanna Carlos considers herself Kapampangan, having grown up in an atmosphere in which the dialect was distributed freely among locals and expatriates here and abroad; thereby she ingested it like the smell of dying sampaguitas, the sound of cicadas by moonlight, and the sight of lanterns, ablaze in the sun, that decorate the city. She is dedicated and compassionate, and is interested in many things. After leaving the KSA, she has then immersed herself in the folkloric society of Pampanga. Joan is kindhearted and generous. Yet she has her pet peeves, her Lilith moments, so don't be a "cold-hearted capitalist" and irritate her, because even then you wouldn't realize who you are up against. Her writing was honed throughout the years and so has she. Joanna, then, is an amalgam of the child and the present, accepting, just..]

-Posted: 10:00 AM 2/2/13 | More of this author on eK!