eK! is electronic Kabalen, a web-exclusive Kapampangan journal of ideas

wilfrido david
wilfrido davidIN THE wide expanse of the universe, the earth is just one tiny dot amongst so many possibly inhabited planets. And yet we have the prestigious Miss Universe contest, actually a misnomer, as far as beauty contests are concerned. We should limit these beauty contests to Miss World, not beyond. So far we have not had any entries from the other planets. Until we find life other than ours, there should not be any more Miss Universe pageants.

Is there any nation on earth that is any more beauty contest-oriented than our own Philippines? Beauty contests are held starting from the grade schools up, as if beauty overcomes poor grades, or other shortcomings in one's character. We hold beauty contests as fundraisers for worthy causes, or for no reason at all. Or you can organize one as long as you can conjure up a reason for doing it.

There used to be a time when grace and beauty were the criteria. Then someone had a bright idea and included talent and intelligence, a graceful walk, a sparkling smile, a sexy sway of the hips, bouncing boobs and a cheeky behind—:all what Marilyn Monroe was, except for the intelligence part. Ms. Monroe may be dead but she is very much alive in mens' imagination. She was the embodiment of femininity, unlike in today's pageants where some contestants could be mistaken for drag queens. Who would ever think that the question-and-answer portion towards the end of the contest would be the deciding factor in coming up with a winner? After what the contestants go through—:improving the way they walk, practicing that plastic smile, intimidated into being friendly towards their fellow contestants, learning group dancing, and what have you—:a less than desirable answer to an unexpected question shouldn't be the be-all and end-all of a potential winner. Well, that seems to be the case.

Anyway, this is how beauty pageants are generally conducted. We have Miss Philippines, the winner of which qualifies her to join Miss International, Miss World, and Miss Universe!

Let us jump 200 years from now to the time when we have intergalactic travel, because life has been found in other planets and each one has established interplanetary relations among themselves. So now we are not only a nation among nations, but Planet Earth among other planets. No, we don't worry about travel time anymore, people are just beamed to their destination like they do in the erstwhile Star Trek TV series. However, only the rich aliens can afford it, like paying more for first-class accomodations in a PAL flight.

This is the first real Miss Universe contest, because all contestants come from the nine known planets in the solar system. Let us not forget, each planet's inhabitants have their own unique look—:close to humans, but not quite! Humans have their organs in ones and in pairs, except the fingers and the digits, where we have ten (as if you didn't know!). Women from the nine participating planets will not be judged based on human standards, but according to interplanetary standards, and each contestant will be judged accordingly.

What were you thinking? Of course, the judges panel will be composed of representatives from all eight planets, plus one Earthling. The contest will be held, where else, but in ultra modern Manila, at the much reknowned Convention Center of the Philippines. Yes, it is still standing, but it's now more of a museum rather than the old venue for upcoming artists like the old Filipino Nobel Prize winner Mideo Cruz, who, as we remember, created quite a stir in his time.

ABS-CBN and GMA 7 will be covering the event. Ex-senator Juan Ponce Enrile is special guest judge (yes, he is still around). the winner of the last Miss World contest will be sitting as judge as well. German Moreno IV will be sitting in as honorary judge.

Pretend you are watching this on a 100-inch, 3D wide-screen TV. As a front act, we have the usual hip-hop dancers and the shrill-voiced singing divas, recent winners in our perennial talent shows. Before the proceedings, all nine "National Anthems" of the respective participating planets will be played. A mixed crowd of interplanetary beings is hooting and stomping its feet for the show to start.

Finally, the contestants parade on the stage, in alphabetical order. First Miss Jupiter, followed by Miss Mars, Miss Mercury, Miss Neptune, Miss Pluto, Miss Saturn, Miss Uranus, Miss Venus, and last but not the least, Miss World.

Miss Jupiter emerges from the behind the curtains, waving her six tentacles attached to her side. She walks rather slowly because her four suction-cup feet keep sticking to the floor. She has three eyes, the third one on her forehead. Her mouth is located just above her dainty behind. She has only one breast attached to her chest and wound around her neck like a stole.

Wild applause from the crowd.

Miss Mars is the most human-like in body structure. She has two shapely legs, but her feet are turned backwards. She has three boobs, the one in the middle hanging down to her stomach. She has two large ears like a rabbit-ear antenna sticking out of her Afro hairdo. She has a cute smile, almost like a little girl's because she has only four teeth—:two upper and two lower. She waves to her fellow Martians in the crowd, almost exposing her genitals, one situated under each armpit. She's throwing Mars candy bars to the crowd like a political candidate during a campaign.

Thundering applause.

Miss Mercury whizzes onto the stage like she came from nowhere. She walks fast and her movements are jerky (like watching a silent movie). Both her two feet has tiny wings on each side. Another pair of larger wings are attached where her ears should be. Her skin has a silvery tint, the sheen of, well, mercury. She has a perfect set of gold teeth, probably worth millions in today's gold market.

Paper streamers and confetti fall from the ceiling.

Miss Neptune is wheeled out on the stage in a bathtub, waving and splashing water all over the place. She has long blue hair that hangs down to her naked breasts, all four of them. She has scaly skin like a fish, and she reeks of sea water. She steps out of the bathtub and walks around the stage using her two tail fins. Her body is covered in moss, and she has a very big smile displaying her 200 tiny sharp teeth.

A wild roar in the crowd follows.

Miss Pluto slithers to the center of the stage. She is somewhat on the plump and stocky side, but very comfortable in her reddish smooth skin. She has a rather large head, arms that reach to the floor, and legs shorter than GMA's. She has three sets of eyebrows over three sets of eyes. She walks like a duck and cackles like a hen. She has a smile that reaches from ear to ear displaying her orange colored set of least 100 teeth. She keeps tripping on her long tail.

Loud applause, hooting, and whistling from the gallery where her planet-mates sit.

Miss Saturn must be a stunner, by Saturnian standards. She fleets to the stage, spinning like a top. A halo-like ring over her head seems to follow her movements. Her skin is violet, the color of Nexus antacid pills. She has three shapely long legs, the third one sticking out of her behind. She has her mouth on her forehead and has two tiny strips of hair just above it, much like a moustache. She has her breasts behind her shoulders, three of them.

Wild applause.

Miss Uranus coasts on the stage on two legs with four casters naturally attached, two on each foot. She has yellowish skin, like one with cirrhosis of the liver. She has an amiable face, a little cheeky like Sen. Miriam Santiago's, and for some reason laughs like Kris Aquino as she waves to the crowd with her two webbed hands. She can also rise above ground as she flaps her two tiny wings, like an airplane taking off. She flies all over the crowd while she drops confetti.

Wild applause, stomping of the feet from her fellow Uranians.

Miss Venus walks slowly to the stage, but she can't wave to the crowd like the rest of the candidates simply because she has no arms. She has skin the color of plaster of Paris and is dressed only from the waist down, making her bellybutton the center of attraction. Her breasts are exposed, which doesn't bother her a bit. (Venus must have a very liberal society of half-clad women.) She looks like Imelda Marcos with her upswept hair, but that's where the similarity ends because Miss Venus does not wear any jewelry. She walks barefooted, seeing no need for a thousand pairs of shoes.

No applause is heard from the crowd, because if the audience clapped it would look like they were rubbing it in (No hands, kuha niyo?)—:just whistling. Intergalactic crowds are more sensitive than the kind we have in the Philippines where they carry placards with the names of their idols on them and make faces at the camera, or make the "L" sign with their hands, regardess of political affiliation.

Miss World, of course, is planet Earth's representative—:needless to say, a Pinay with European features. What do you expect a mestiza to look like anyway? She looks, talks and walks exactly like Shamcey Supsup Bhutto, third runner up in the Miss Universe contest held in Brazil way back in 2011. She's a great-great-great-great granddaughter of Shamcey, who subsequently married her Pakistani suitor Bilawal Bhutto, son of assassinated Lady Premier Benazir Bhutto. Miss World is of mixed blood progeny—:American-Filipino-Pakistani, which combination really made a stunner of her.

The contest is whittled down to the usual three. They approach the panel of judges, nervously pondering on how they will fare in the question-and-answer portion. Their fears are well-founded as they will be needing interpreters from their respective planets. What they mean to say might be lost in the translation.

Miss Venus, the first to be on the spotlight, is asked: "If you were to marry a man from another planet, what qualifications would you consider before you make a decision?" She looks up, takes her time (after all she hasn't met anyone from a planet other than Venus) and answers (in Venusian, of course, spoken through a tiny microphone that immediately translates and transmits voice signals in English), "Hmmn... well, first I have to be physically attracted to him, and he should have four arms, since I have none, to compensate for what I don't have. Then he will have to adapt to the atmosphere in my planet and the food we eat! He must be techno-savvy, especially with the internet, because I am on Twitter and Facebook!"

A roar of approval stirs the crowd.

Miss Pluto is next. She inches her way in front of the panel, her tail wagging wildly and making a slapping sound on the floor in nervous anticipation. She is asked an intriguing question: "If you were stranded on the Planet Earth, would you find ways to go back to your planet or stay to study the inhabitants' way of life and finally adapt to it, and perhaps infuse your own culture into their own?" (Deafening silence, you could hear a bomb drop.) She purrs as her tail stops wagging, her left hand clenched against her waist, and her right hand scratching her big head, "But of course I would stay, because I find the Earth people very accommodating, hospitable, courteous, and very naive. They are not warlike, which is a stark contrast from our own Plutonians, although in my short stay here I noticed that their men seem to be afraid of their wives. The working men love to gather in front of their small corner (sari-sari) stores and engage in drinking sprees. Their families like to squat in their living rooms and watch soap operas. According to the American ambassador, 90 percent of the interplanetary tourists come here for sex, but something can be done about that when I introduce some changes. I am specially impressed by their politics and the way business is conducted. Senators and congressmen just sit around in their chambers all day and they are rewarded with all sorts of benefits. Their pork barrel grants are simply out of this universe. Yes, no second thoughts, I would definitely stay!"

Now comes the interplanetary crowd's favorite, "Sha-shaying" her way to face the panel of judges. Miss World, who is Pinay but doesn't look like one, is trying to put up a brave front, grinning like a toothpaste model, stands confidently with her knees together and her feet planted firmly on the floor, ready for the question: "If you were to marry someone from another planet, would you be willing to change your ways and adapt to his, or would you rather have him adapt to yours?" It didn't take her three seconds to answer, "No, I would not change my ways for his sake. Instead I will do my best to slowly and gradually make him see things my way, and if he loves me he will adapt to our earthly ways! I will make an earthman out of him, no matter where he comes from!"

Wild applause from the Earth people section, with shouts of Bravo! Bravo!

The time for reckoning has finally come. The winner for the intergalactic beauty contest and the title Miss Universe goes to.... Miss Pluto! Despite her tactless comments, she clinched the much-coveted honor of being the first real Miss Universe. Her prize consists of one million intergalactic dollars (the only currency accepted by all the planets other than the US dollars), one Plutonium-powered Sarao Jeepney, with her name painted on both sides, Goldilocks products, a case of dried mangoes, a year's supply of San Miguel Beer, a year's supply of buco juice, a case of dried dilis, etc. (all meant to promote our national products universally).

The crowd starts to disperse and the participants walk towards the charted busses provided by the Bureau of Tourism. But wait, here comes a representative from Malacañang, waving a document from the Department of Foreign Affairs, declaring Miss Pluto's win null and void. It was recently discovered and officially declared by the interplanetary Board of Judges that Pluto is no longer considered a planet because of its small size and so is disqualified from participating. After a thorough research on the internet (see for yourself), which established the fact that Pluto is no more a planet indeed, the title and the prizes that go with it revert to Miss Earth. Mabuhay to the great-great-great-great granddaughter of the reknowned Miss Shamcey Supsup Bhutto!

*

Note: This old article simply oozed out of the author's imbalanced mind two years ago and so was understandably hesitant to send it for fear that readers will demand that all future articles by this wannabehumorist be banned from being published on eK!. However, as a take on the Miss Universe contest, our own Miss Philippines could have easily garnered the title over Miss USA. But the upset came as no surprise, it being a home-town decision. And with the Miss Universe francise holder, in the person of Donald Trump, having the last say on the whole proceedings, how else could have things turned out? While we may have a bumper crop of outstanding beauties, we can only take comfort in the fact that you cannot win them all. Ask Manny Pacquiao, who finished second in a two-man contest!


[About the author. Wilfrido David is a resident of Albuquerque, New Mexico since 1985. He is an avid news consumer, habitually tuned to global TV via satellite. In turn, he occasionally comes up with spiced up essays and anecdotes liberally sprinkled with his wry humor, at times irreverent, oftentimes as corny as corn-on-the-cob, but nontheless thought provoking. He thinks of himself as a "junior senior," a mature gentleman with very active brain cells but a waning testosterone count. He is an American citizen by necessity, not by choice, as he so aptly put it. He is as Kapampangan as sisig, no more, no less.]

-Posted: 8:00 AM 1/16/13 | More of this author on eK!
backBack|top|Nextnext