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wilfrido david
wilfrido davidNANU NA ing miliari karing New Year's resolution yu ketang milabas a banua? Megbayu na kayo? O ikayu pa murin ing dating sarili na megbalak magbayu pero e metupad? Ytang kumari mi metupad ing pangaku na, magpakalagu ya kanu baneng e paglibe ning mister na. Melagu at meanak ya pin uling megpa facelift ya. Pero akalinguan nang megpabody-lift. Ing asawa na magbabai ya pa mu rin!

Ing bapa ku mengaku yang tuknang neng manigarilyu. Metupad mu naman. Pero ngeni manabaku niya mu. Mas matipid kanu. Eniya naman miminum. Pero ing buri na palang sabian, danum. Makiinuman ya pa murin kareng barkada na.

Y ingkung ku mengaku yang ene magbabai. Munang-muna, masyadu yang selosa y apu ku. Pangadua keta, ati ne kanung erectile dysfunction, at ela tatalab kaya reng Viagra. Kutang nang apu ku: "Para nanu la wari reng Viagra?" Pakibat nang inkung: "Loka, vitamins la mu ren para kareng matuwa!" Dapat siguru ing pangaku nang ingkung keng sarili, bawas-bawasan ing kalaraman na. Ing metupad mu keng eganaganang pangaku na, ene kanu magbabad kareng mall at paparada ing wheel chair na keng arap ning Victoria's Secret boutique a mangayat wawang makalawe kareng mannequin a makasulud lingerie. "In your dreams, grandpa!" Ketang tauli nang bertdey sinumpung ing asthma na kaibat nang subukan labulan at patdan reng limampu't limang kandila keng bertday cake na. Mayap amu, mebawas-bawasan ing angin na. Ngening meapprove ne ing RH bill, pipilit nang subukan no reng condom. Obat kaya enaniya painuman birth control pills y apu ku?

Ing misis ku mengaku yang tuknangan nana ing pamag-"nag" kanaku. Medyu mebawasan pin ing ligalig keng bale mi. Deng asu mi makatiman lang meko king lalam ning lamesa at eno mangapali ustung daramdaman deng magmando y misis. Tinuknang niya namang uugse ing imalan ku keng awang ustung madalas kung mumuling maranun (alas-seis ning abak). Minsan belabag ne ing amerikana (formal coat) ku keng awang, kinalabug at tinando la keng awang deng matsismis kung siping-bale. Ikit da na ikit da karing anam dang mata, makasulud ya pa kanaku ing amerikana ku. Embes na dala naku king ospital, tinaglus na ku king laundromat!

Y koya ku, a senior-senior US citizen (92 years old) at mebalu adua nang banuang milabasan, ene kanu makipag-"date" pasibayu kareng babaeng mas anak kaya, na madalas kapitna namu ning edad na at mangalagu at sexy la pa. Dakal reng interesado kaya at minsan mas mabilis la pa datang kaya. Magduda ne! Deng aliwa agkat de pangmagpakasal. Abalu na kapilan pa mu deng palang tagahanga na ala la palang papeles. In other words, TNT (tago-nang-tago) la pala. Magpari niya mu kanu embes na makiasawang pasibayu. Sayang, bala na pa naman pogi ya pa. Ngeni pala uli na ning MMM (Matandang Madaling Mamatay) ne!

Ytang pisan kung doctor manangis yang mengaku keng sarili agian pang single at straight ya, ken kanung tutuki mag-ingat neng mamili kareng akakarelasyun na kareng pasyenti na. Masakit talaga, lalu na nung veterinaryu ka! Kailangan mu siguru ditak a pamag-ingat, usu la pa naman reng CCTV camera ngeni!

Ing best friend ku naman ene kanu magpakamate pasibayu, uling angga ngeni mabie ya pa. Minuna, megbigti ya. Mepatad ya ing lubid uling masyadu yang mabayat. Iniang pangadua, sibukan nang magsaksak keng sarili. Pero niang apansin nang atin yang kalawanging pataram a ginamit na, memulayi ya agad king ospital at migpaindyeksyun anti-tetanus. Pangatlu, sibukan neng barilan ing buntuk na. Ala pa mu rin, eya kasi asintado at mapula ya siguru mata. (Metung niya balugbug ngeni.) Pangapat a pagsubuk, sibukan na naman maglasun. Menakit yang berdeng liquid king garahe a bala na anti-freeze fluid. Ininum ne ing metung a galun, eya pa murin mete. Iyan pala, Mountain Dew Gatorade ing aramput na. Mengapakayli niya mu keng kabolangan na. Bandang tauli, sibukan nang lundag niya muking Jones Bridge, pero minurung ya lub niang ikit nang marinat ing daragus a danum king Pasig, puwera pa keng e biasang kawe. Inia marine ne kanu keng asawa na, pati keng pagpakamate palpak ya pa mu rin. Sabi ku kaya, ing pekamalagwang paralan: subukan meng paslan ing arung mu anggang kagisanan kang pangisnawa. Eya bisa, maragul ya kanu busbus arung. Ala yang pag-asa talaga, panayan na namu siguru ing pasibayung daratang a kapupusan na ning yatu.

Promises, just like election promises, are meant to be broken. They are, for the most part, half-truths, or half-lies, uttered just to please. Promises to yourself which have failed to become reality through the years finally become resolutions made in the hope that if you are resolute enough you will make good on them Not so. How many times had President Noynoy Aquino himself promised to quit smoking and yet he is still a one-pack-a-day smoke stack? And, for that matter, how many times, despite their sincere, noble intentions, mayors, governors, police chiefs, and even plain barangay captains promised the president and the DILG to go stop jueteng and arrest its overlords, and yet never attain success?

How many times have husbands who are caught in their relentless philandering have promised their wives to change until the marriage winds up in separation or divorce? How many times have wayward wives promised their cuckolds to get rid of their DIs (dance instructors) after being caught doing the lambada in bed with them. It's OK if the wife prefers "Gangnam Style", which is a no-contact dance anyway. How many times have we gone to confession and promised not to sin again only to repeat the process the following week? Your confessor has become so accustomed to your face that you are now on first-name, back-slapping basis? Essentially, he doesn't reallylisten, being only too aware of human nature.

In the final analysis, it is in fact the humanness in all of us that defeats or always make us fall short in our resolve. We are victims of our own weaknesses and, as we often see it, a promise is made just to buy time until it is finally forgotten or becomes irrelevant.

The next time we make a New Year's resolution it is best not to tell anyone. That way nobody can tell if you really tried, tried hard and failed. At the end of the day the only way you can succeed in fulfilling your resolution is NOT to make one.

(Note: With my sincere apologies to the staunch advocates of Amanung Sisuan for taking liberties in the use of the Kapampangan language. I write in it and spell it by phonetics, in its raw and spoken form, the best way I know how.)


[About the author. Wilfrido David is a resident of Albuquerque, New Mexico since 1985. He is an avid news consumer, habitually tuned to global TV via satellite. In turn, he occasionally comes up with spiced up essays and anecdotes liberally sprinkled with his wry humor, at times irreverent, oftentimes as corny as corn-on-the-cob, but nontheless thought provoking. He thinks of himself as a "junior senior," a mature gentleman with very active brain cells but a waning testosterone count. He is an American citizen by necessity, not by choice, as he so aptly put it. He is as Kapampangan as sisig, no more, no less.]

-Posted: 11:00 AM 12/30/12 | More of this author on eK!
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