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wilfrido david
wilfrido david THIS ARTICLE sparked what's been bothering me about the airline industry as we know it today—cumbersome and exasperating security checks, stopovers, and long (it could take up to 8 hours) layovers, discourteous workers, careless handling of luggage, and to top it off, late flights! Passengers who wait for their connecting flight for 5 hours suddenly learn that their flight will be delayed. Airline companies are losing money, it's easy to believe, as we see the constantly rising price of gas and other oil products. I take it that this article is tongue-in-cheek, and if so I could come up with my own ideas on how to accommodate more passengers and what conveniences would be added in order to make them happier.

Here goes:

1. Passengers are sorted out according to body bulk—the lean ones can sit on each other's lap. (A two-in-one seat is required). The heavy ones can be relegated to the cargo section in padded boxes. (Hopefully no turbulence occurs during the flight.) This saves on seating capacity, but to achieve this, balikbayan boxes should be banned altogether in order to have more space in the cargo section. Carry-on baggage should be reduced to a bare minimum, for instance, something the size of a handbag. (As it is, Balikbayans try to squeeze extra balikbayan boxes into the overhead bins, just to save on charges.)

2. Existing toilets in jumbo jets are quite inadequate to accommodate those who queue up after that in-flight meal. If not, enlarge the the toilet's overall area to something more realistic, where you have space to manuever between the toilet seat and the lavatory. Therefore, each seat should be provided with a contraption so as to minimize if not totally avoid going to the toilet frequently, especially those ones with a bladder condition—something that retracts from under the stamp-sized table attached to the seat in front of you and carefully insert your "thing" into and pee all you want. This is for males only of course. For the same reason, seats (for ladies) could flip up and a small basin rises up for them to relieve themselves, retracts back down at the press of a button and you are set until you arrive at your destination. All these require privacy, so that curtains will be put between seats. You will realize that these curtains are multi-purpose. You can fart to your heart's content, pick your nose, pick those shushi pieces from your teeth, and snore with your mouth wide open, etc.

3. Install drinking fountains or faucets at convenient places so that thirsty passengers do not have to catch the stewardess' attention just to get a small cup of water. Oftentimes they will ignore you unless you order something they can charge you with—like alchoholic beverages.

4. There should be live entertainment on board—like a Karaoke singing contest where the first prize guarantees you a full refund of your ticket or an upgrade to first-class or much-needed extra space to stretch your weary legs.

5. Pre-order the type of food you want—like burgers and fries, instead of the lousy ethnic airline food that you are, more or less, forced to eat. (Japanese fare when you take Japan Airlines, Korean or Chinese, or Filipino depending on which airline you take.) Wouldn't it be great if you could order sisig, dinuguan, or adobo on your computer?

6. Put locks on your seatbelts that could only be unlocked from a control panel in the pilot's cabin, so that passengers couldn't get up until the plane comes to a full stop. This should work on overhead bins as well. These should prevent bullheaded passengers from having their way. ("Me first, me first.")

There are countless ways to make the passenger happy—if only to retain their patronage everytime they fly. In the long run, it's the happy passenger that will keep airlines from declaring bankruptcy. There is no truth to the rumor, however, that China is buying out all the major airlines in America—but it's likely to happen at the rate giant corporations are closing down because of greedy CEOs and unionized workers who demand outrageous pay, highly-priced but inferior (as against Japanes, Korean, and Chinese) products, and a generally deteriorating American work ethic. Eventually, the declining state of the US economy will all be blamed on the poor illegal immigrant, and I fail to see the relevance thereto. A conscientious flyer, B. Fred in Albuquerque, Don't Worry, Be Happy!

[About the author. Wilfrido David is a resident of Albuquerque, New Mexico since 1985. He is an avid news consumer, habitually tuned to global TV via satellite. In turn, he occasionally comes up with spiced up essays and anecdotes liberally sprinkled with his wry humor, at times irreverent, oftentimes as corny as corn-on-the-cob, but nontheless thought provoking. He thinks of himself as a "junior senior," a mature gentleman with very active brain cells but a waning testosterone count. He is an American citizen by necessity, not by choice, as he so aptly put it. He is as Kapampangan as sisig, no more, no less.]

-Posted: 10:17 AM 11/17/12 | More of this author on eK!