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wilfrido david
wilfrido david FAUX (not Fox) News Headlines Part 2, as in Part 1, is tongue-in-cheek, but food for thought nonetheless. The story behind the headline is spiced up to generate more than passing interest. You get to chew on it, savor the flavor, swallow it with your favorite chaser, and burp later on.

EDITORIAL

What gives? Our congressmen and senators are reduced to being investigators, delegated with asking questions and getting no honest answers, and, ultimately, getting nowhere. In fact and indeed, this is the year of the lawyer. They are the ones raking it in, literally, by advising their clients to invoke their Fifth Amendment rights when cornered with a question that requires just a yes or no, thus prolonging the case until it dies a natural death. What the government needs is a CODC (Commission on Dead Cases), apart from the Batasang Pambansa, where cases beyond resolution are dumped, much like the trash bin in your computer, or perhaps FUBRO (Fucked Up Beyond Repair Office), until a whistleblower decides to come out of the woodwork and gives it new life. The 2004 and 2007 elections scandals were in rigor mortis when a new crop of "Tell-all, Spare No One!" artists surfaced from deep sleep to help shed light on the scandals. Nothing has come out of it as yet, with the "perpetrators" being either conveniently confined in a hospital or undergoing serious medical treatment here and abroad. The Senate Blue Ribbon Committee has on its to-do list: The FG Helicopter Deal, the PCSO, Pagcor, the AFP generals' scandal, and which might as well include the DBP case. These are cases initially put before the Senate Investigative Panel and are now overlapping as new scandals are cropping up everyday. We might as well do away with congress and the senate, which are surreptiously giving themselves huge payraises amidst our economic situation. They are overpaid and underworked, a distinct contrast to the average working man which makes up the citizenry they are sworn to serve. Being mere investigators are turning them into ham actors, where grandstanding seem to be the order of the day. What the people want is results—people getting charged and convicted. But then that's where the Supreme Court comes in—where GMA's appointees still wield the gavel! Tra-la-la....

THE HEADLINES

Conjoined twins successfully separated. This might well have been the headline when FG Mike and Iggy Arroyo were separated a few days after birth. They were like peas in a pod, not exactly identical (at least weight-wise). Mike grew up getting what he wanted anyway he can, and Iggy was his alter ego, nay, his guardian angel, always ready to take up the cudgels for Mike at the expense of his own reputation(?)! Oddly, Iggy himself has his own alter ego—Jose Pidal, whose alter ego is, in turn, Mikey. It's not as confusing as it sounds, simply one plus one equals one. If you are still confused you haven't been following the news or you are just poor in math. Iggy's willingness to be his elder brother's fall-guy doesn't go unappreciated, however. Mike offered his kidney should Iggy's kidney disease worsens to the point of requiring a transplant but, yes there is a precondition, that Iggy donate his heart in case he should need a transplant himself. Fair exchange? Not really because Iggy winds up with no heart (heartless), and just one kidney. This is one time that Iggy will have to say "No, Mike, sobra ka na!"

Mideo Cruz declared national artist. After gettting the CCP into hot water and the Catholics all heated up with his Art Piece, wherein he expressed his long pent-up disdain for those who believe in God and his son Jesus Christ, he is now deemed to be the artist of all artists with his genius. The archbishops, who believe they should be consulted before the government can make a move on anything involving morality, have sent a petition to the Vatican, seeking word from the Pope regarding this matter. Mr. Cruz, comfortable in his newfound status, is already thinking of doing another piece, this time choosing the Virgin Mary as his subject. OMG! He knows the UP law professors are behind him, invoking Freedom of Expression as a pat excuse for artists who want to be noticed (perhaps to go as far as showing their parents in a collage of sexual positions, which will be displayed at the CCP at their own discretion anyway). Everybody wants their five minutes of fame, and Mideo Cruz got it.

GMA losing former stature (physically as well as in public persona). Doctors at St. Luke's have confirmed that ex-president GMA is getting shorter, at least by an inch ever since her last surgery on her neck and spine, and she is scheduled for yet another one to fix a botched up job on the first one. Are these surgeons admitting their incompetence or merely obeying a voice from above suggesting that GMA should be confined in the hospital for "obvious" reasons. Well, the Senate Blue Ribbon Committee can wait until she ends up being three feet tall, which is quite possible if her doctors keep operating on her, and she might just be declared a juvenile and thus cannot be treated as an adult. Her lawyers had better think of a better strategy or else she might wind up being a midget.

CCP to present ballet extravaganza (featuring well-known ballerinas from Las Vegas, Nevada). Since the CCP has the final say on what is fit to be shown and which is not to the general public, they are making sure that this show will be a huge success. The ballerinas will be performing sans underwear underneath their tutus, and the ballerinos (what is the term for male ballet dancers?) with their "things" hanging out through a cut-out hole in the crotch area. This is also freedom of expression, whatever artistic message they want to impart. Pure genius, as this certainly is a form of expression like no other, and which the Constitution is guaranteed to protect. Ask the UP professors! And to test the waters, let's invite all the Catholic bigwigs, and the nuns, too. Mideo Cruz, our National Artist is privileged to have a front row seat, for him to get an upclose glimpse of the male dancers so as to have a more accurate penis model for his coming projects.

Iggy Arroyo's bookkeeper hounded by SGV. Rowena del Rosario is being hounded by Sycip, Gorres and Velayo (SGV), the most pretigious accounting firm in the land to accept their offer to head the Makati branch of the firm. They saw her performance on the senate investigation on the Arroyo helicopter issue and were properly impressed with her ability to keep her cool under fire, a characteristic much desired in this field, and how she managed to be LTA's (the firm she works for under Iggy Arroyo) spokeswoman and how she landed to be on the board of the Pagibig Fund based merely on her experience as bookkeeper. That is quite an accomplishment, considering that she is the only bookkeeper that sees no point in keeping track of the firm's transactions, relying solely on her memory. COA, likewise, is making overtures to acquire her services, not to mention other accounting institutions. As of today, she is unemployed, mentioning the same reasons that some government resignees resort to, that they need to spend quality time with their families, etc. Her working relationship with Iggy is something to be emulated by all aspiring executives. Hopefully, she emerges from the senate investigations with her sanity intact.

Suicide kits supplied to all those who plan to end their lives in a manner of their own choosing. The kit consists of one ready-to-use hangman's noose, a handgun, a poison pellet, a kitchen knife, and a manual on weight-loss diets, if one chooses a slow death. The bow and arrow were removed from the kit when they proved to be impractical, ergonomics-wise. The kit is provided free of charge to those currently being investigated by the Senate Blue Ribbon Committee and are issued in utmost confidentiality. For more info, email at pataykangbataka.gov.ph or walanglusot.gov.ph. Manual of instructions was written by the late Ret. Gen. Angelo Reyes.

RP acquires big ship. This was bought from the US for millions of dollars, used but refurbished. It was rusting away in a US Navy Salvage Yard, ready to be used as target practice for new submarine-to-surface missiles! Thanks to the US, it decided to sell it for a bargain and the Philippine Navy now can train its sailors on actual naval duties instead of doing civic work such as flood assistance, street-sweeping, and garbage collecting. It will eventually be assigned in the general area around the controversial Spratly's Islands to give the Chinese a big scare.

RP building first submarine. Since the national government's vastly improved resources ended up in a surplus under PNoy's administration of "Kung Walang Korap, Walang Mahirap", a huge military buildup budget was approved to build a purely-Filipino built submarine to catch up with the Chinese navy, which has at least three in active duty. Already, some geniuses in government are already suggesting alternative uses for it, such as deep-sea exploration for coral reefs, which indeed could improve our exports. Sarao of Cavite, the country's premiere jeepney maker has already submittted a scale prototype complete with the usual jeepney decor, such as chrome horses, multiple rearview mirrors, and various doodads and thingamajig attachments and scenic views painted on the side. PNoy nixed the idea, saying it will be submerged anyway and there is no use for such flamboyance.

Mike Arroyo to get pacemaker. The fomer first gentleman's heart doctors decided on a pacemaker instead of a heart transplant. (A pacemaker is a battery-operated booster implanted near the heart; it regulates the heartbeat.) Ex-FG Mike is not so keen on it since he can no longer make excuses to the senate investigative panel for not showing up. (Except maybe for the device being lowbat?) This will be a problem for the family lawyer.

Whistleblowers unite. Jun Lozada and George Rabusa, who have gained notoriety from their appearances on the senate investigations, have decided to form a service company called "SaveYourButt, Inc.", with the purpose of making up favorable stories for litigants wherever necessary. The group includes Lintang Bedol and Zaldy Ampatuan, among others from the PGMA years. Their services include short courses on Acting, How to Appearing Cool Under Stress, and list of possible counter-charges to resort to. Attn: All litigants and investigatees!

Sale, Sale, Sale. Since the Arroyos are dancing around over the real ownership of the two helicopters before they were sold to the AFP, and since several officers are now themselves under investigation for their involvement in the transaction (Wala na bang katapusan ito?), and Lionair, which sold the said helicopters allegedly to Mike Arroyo, but with brother Iggy Arroyo claiming ownership instead, they are, technically, abandoned at the Lionair hangar, and thus can be auctioned off by the government, if only to recover taxes due on them. Magulo!

Mysterious disease solved by local dermatologist. A young man decided to consult the doctor when he could no longer contain his fears. On the examination table, he showed his orange-colored penis to the doctor, offering no explanation. "Just what do you do at home?" asked the doctor. "Well, I watch TV," and embarrassedly admitted that he occasionally watches porno movies in the privacy of his room and that he ate Cheetos while he watched, not the usual popcorn. The doctor was puzzled, but took only a minute to come up with a diagnosis and with an understanding smile advised the patient not to multitask when watching porno movies. Problem solved!

Watch for Faux (not Fox) Headline News Part III.


[About the author. Wilfrido David is a resident of Albuquerque, New Mexico since 1985. He is an avid news consumer, habitually tuned to global TV via satellite. In turn, he occasionally comes up with spiced up essays and anecdotes liberally sprinkled with his wry humor, at times irreverent, oftentimes as corny as corn-on-the-cob, but nontheless thought provoking. He thinks of himself as a "junior senior," a mature gentleman with very active brain cells but a waning testosterone count. He is an American citizen by necessity, not by choice, as he so aptly put it. He is as Kapampangan as sisig, no more, no less.]

-Posted: 10:10 AM 9/5/11 | More of this author on eK!
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