eK! is electronic Kabalen, a web-exclusive Kapampangan journal of ideas

wilfrido david
wilfrido david THE YEAR is 2018, Manny "Manoy" Pacquiao is at the helm of government, having been voted overwhelmingly to the highest office of the land by his fans from his old boxing days and his faithful followers as a hardworking congressman, plus the full backing of the church as payback for endorsing the RH Bill, even as the bill was passed in 2012. He does not reside in Malacañan, as his mommy Dionisia wishes. It is too small and the architecture is not exactly to her preference. She had an adjacent building constructed with all the amenities of home: indoor swimming pool and tennis court and a huge dancing/concert hall where she can practice her dancing and where Pres. Manoy can hold his concerts.

First Lady Jinky chooses to remain out of the limelight, devoting her time to running her chain of shopping malls. She is not imeldific at all, although she collects expensive handbags from Paris; nor does she sing for the president's international guests, she is delighted that Pres. Manoy takes care of that. She has a propensity for foreign goods, shops in New York but doesn't need to have the whole store closed. And she uses her husband's personal punch-for-punch earnings.

Pres. Manoy's mother, who used to be known as Mommy Dionisia, is now Congresswoman Pacquiao from Saranggani, taking particular pleasure in being addressed as Madam Dionisia by Senator Miriam Defensor Santiago, a sworn enemy. She is thinking of buying out Vicky Belo's beauty clinic and hiring Ms. Belo as her exclusive makeup artist. Ms. Belo is mulling over the idea, as she knows making Mommy Dionisia beautiful is not an easy task if not altogether impossible.

Ex-senator Juan Ponce Enrile, now 105 years old and still tinting his hair black, is in a nursing home stricken with Alzheimer's. However, he managed to file beforehand his Libingan ng mga Bayani Bill---that all generals, active or retired, deserve to be buried there. With ex-president Ferdinand Marcos's remains interred at LNMB, nobody has cause to complain.

Ex-president Noynoy, who lost to Manny Pacquiao in the last elections, is still single and has no plans of giving up his bachelorhood. His last dalliance with comedian Pokwang, who is estranged from Willie Revillame of "Wowowee" fame, fizzled out after his sister Kris threatened to organize a public demonstration to protest the clandestine affair. Noynoy has had it with politics and vows not to run for public office ever. He's tired of living in a glass house and savors the idea of driving his Porsche anywhere he wants and go night-clubbing with his cronies without being critized by the press.

Representative Lito Lapid finally has come up with a blockbuster of a bill after years of being a non-verbal, under performing, but always nattily dressed congressman from Pampanga. Perhaps inspired by the No-Smoking Ban, which became law in 2011, Lapid wants those who fart in public penalized, starting with a Php 1000.00 fine for the first offense and jail time for the second. This bill is as controversial as the RH Bill. Some claim it is infringing on basic human rights and so is unconstitutional. The church is now researching on what the Bible says about this inalienable right.

Ping Lacson is now Secretary of Tourism and Travel. His vast experience in visa-less travel more than qualifies him for the job. His proposed slogan is "Beautiful, hasslefree Philippines," pending approval of Pres. Manoy Pacquiao, who really prefers "Beautiful Pacquiao Country."

Antonio "Houdini" Leviste has decided to become a circus performer. He's now with the Cirque du Soleil of world reknown, as an escape artist. His stage assistant is none other General Ernest Diokno, who has been working with him since his Muntinglupa days. See Leviste's act at the Mommy Dionisia Coliseum in Makati.

There is a bill now pending in congress filed by none other than Rep. Dionisia Pacquiao from Saranggani, that Rizal's monument will be updated by including his son Manoy, side-by-side and holding hands with Rizal while Pres. Manoy pointing to the horizon. Madam Rep. Pacquiao thinks they look exactly alike, down to the hairstyle and moustache that people couldn't tell the difference. The gay community is all for the idea and hails it as a potential tourist spot. Manoy Pacquiao is known all over the world, but not Jose Rizal.

Really, the Philippine economy is booming, with unemployment down to a mere one percent, which means only the lazy and those who depend on their wives, or are adults who live with their parents, prefer to be unemployed. Fifty percent of the Philippine workforce, more popularly known as OFWs, support the government, even as a good portion of dollars they remit are put into better use by government officials (lining their pockets.

Our local TV stations are in search for new plots for their telenovelas. In fact, they are launching a contest for stories that are not copies of Hollywood movies or adaptations of classic novels. As it is, local writers are at a loss for something to keep viewers awake to maintain ratings. Captive audiences want more believable story plots other than accident victims suffering from amnesia, adopted illegitimate children, badly scarred faces, sibling rivalries, estranged couples who are after each others neck, rape victims out for revenge, diabolic siblings after the rich adoptive parent's wealth, straight people masquerading as gays or vice versa, long lost family members who unknowingly live in the same household, and what have you. How about some true-to-life stories like ill-gotten wealth and tax evaders, or child-molestation in the church, those that are more in keeping with the times. No more of accident victims becoming wheelchair-bound and suffering from amnesia please.

With the recent Vatican approval of Zsa Zsa Padilla's legal separation from her ex, she and Dolphy of local movie fame, are now free to marry after living together for as long as fellow celebrities can remember. Doctors at the Makati Medical Center have confirmed that Zsa Zsa is pregnant with Dolphy's umpteenth child. Dolphy has expressed concern that the child may not be his, him being already 100 years old.

At last, a Pinoy has come up with an invention that promises to ease the world's fuel situation. Current gasoline prices in the Philippines is at Php 200/liter. The local inventor's gas-saving idea of a super carburetor entails some life-changing routine from the driving public. The driver's seat, oddly, looks very much like a toilet seat with a tube connected to the fuel line. All you have to do before driving out everyday is eat plenty of carbohydrates, like camote, cassava, or monggo. You also have to drive with your pants. Just be sure you don't have diarrhea, otherwise the carburetor will get clogged and the car will stall. The system still has its kinks: you have to wear a gasmask while driving. Other than sipa, the yo-yo, and the turumpo, this is the most significant of Pinoy inventions. The patent is still pending. Also the name "Fart-Power" atop the car emblem or license plate isn't exactly appealing.

Now, back to the present. Manila's papers are forever saturated with news about government scandals: firings, investigations, PNoy's appointees being critizised, his lifestyle being followed by the local version of the paparazzi, rising gasoline and food prices, double-dead meat, fish botcha, ill-fated romances in the entertainment field, and Manny Pacquiao's accomplishments as well as his mother's unstoppable rise to fame. The sad fact is, the Pacquiaos are over-fried and over-garnished, and so spoil your appettite for the main dish. The media seem to be in love with them, but there is a limit to what you allow to be shoved down your throat. One's popularity thrives on peoples adulation and, by the same token, it also dissipates in unrelenting overkill. To sum it up, what pleasure do you get when Manny gives Mom Dionisia a huge ring amounting to millions (overpriced?) in a picture of her going gaga over it? It is time to reassess our values and live up to them.

Overheard in a Pinoy household, daughter in a Q&A session with her mom over news about the Holy Pope being considered for sainthood: "Ma, bakit kailangan pang i-beautify ang Santo Papa, pagkatapos cacanyunin lamang pala?"

Mommy Dionisia worried about her impending surgery, in a GMA TV interview: "Ayoko ko na yatang magpa-opera. Aalisin daw nila ang butligs ko!"

Interviewer: "Bakit naman, butligs lang naman pala? Parang pigsa lang iyan, minor operation!"

Mommy Dionisia: "Bakit? Paano pa akong maglalakad kung butligs puputulin?!"

Note: Hindi lahat dito sa mundo ay original. Yung iba ay kopya; yung iba, peke. Yung iba ay re-hash; yung iba, palusot. Baka hindi niyo pa narinig before. He, he.


[About the author. Wilfrido David is a resident of Albuquerque, New Mexico since 1985. He is an avid news consumer, habitually tuned to global TV via satellite. In turn, he occasionally comes up with spiced up essays and anecdotes liberally sprinkled with his wry humor, at times irreverent, oftentimes as corny as corn-on-the-cob, but nontheless thought provoking. He thinks of himself as a "junior senior," a mature gentleman with very active brain cells but a waning testosterone count. He is an American citizen by necessity, not by choice, as he so aptly put it. He is as Kapampangan as sisig, no more, no less.]

-Posted: 8:16 AM 6/6/11 | More of this author on eK!
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