eK! is electronic Kabalen, a web-exclusive Kapampangan journal of ideas

wilfrido david
wilfrido david THIS IS a fictitious paper with made-up headlines and the purported stories behind them. It's tongue-in-cheek, so hang loose, let your hair down.

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As in every paper we start off with an editorial:

What Makes Pacquiao

Aside from his boxing prowess, Pacquiao is to be emulated and admired for far more reasons than boxing. He has his feet planted firmly on the ground and his mind is programmed to not forget his humble beginnings. He appreciates his fans and his supporters and never fails to acknowledge them. Despite his successes, career-wise and the financial benefits that go with it, he has his humility intact.

Which brings to mind the recent win of Nonito Donaire over his Mexican opponent. Donaire needs to be more like Pacquiao. Note how he seemed to relish his win, so much that he jumped up and down like a small boy to the obvious chagrin of the Mexicans in the crowd. He should have behaved more like a gentleman conqueror that Pacquiao had always done. In the end it seemed Donaire was more overwhelmed by the payoff rather than by his new title. This is not to belittle another Filipino's success in the ring. There is honor in winning, although dignity doesn't necessarily go with it.

Hopefully, Donaire will take time out to assess his behavior, in and out of the ring. It will serve him in good stead.

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And now for the headlines and the stories behind them:

Ombudsman Gutierrez to enter convent

After her impeachment and losing face and falling into disrepute, Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez has chosen to enter the sisterhood where she will be free from criticism and constant barrages on her character. She has the blessings of the former first gentleman. And a big pat on the back from PGMA.

Rabusa and Lozada in a relationship

Rumors have it that Rabusa and Lozada's constant appearance before the TV news cameras have developed into an unusual bond between them, that is, like partners in crime! They both see themselves as martyrs, not as stoolpigeons. They don't give a hoot even if those they had put in the hotseat see them as comedians whose jokes bomb all over.

Osama bin Laden and Ping Lacson are inveterate facebookers

Bin Laden and Lacson have become good friends on the internet, they found commonality in their respective flight from the law, one from the 9/11 incident and the other from a murder charge. This might also develop into a full-blown romance, but marriage is simply out of the question for now. A Muslim and Catholic union does not bode well for a healthy relationship.

Scoutmaster indicted

A scoutmaster in a prestigious girls' school in Manila is under fire for not turning over proceeds from Girl Scouts cookies sales. He alleges that the girl scouts who sell house-to-house do not issue receipts and so sales are unaccountable. His wife is said to have houses abroad and Swiss bank accounts. That speaks for itself, and that's a lot of cookies!

Another first for Pinoys

This one is for the Guinness World Records. Two-legged mules discovered in China but found to be endemic to the Philippines. VP Jejomar Binay made a special trip to China to negotiate for the lives of these two-legged mules. It's a well-known fact that Filipinos get to act only at the last minute. What was the government doing when these mules were convicted and put on death row for drug-smuggling, that only now it has to beg for the commutation of their sentences? It is disconcerting, nay, embarrassing for our government to go down low on such issues. Now, the situation is too discombobulated to even think about asking for a loan.

Generals' wives organize

In light of the ongoing senate investigations on the "pabaon-pasalubong scandal," the generals' wives feel unduly aggrieved because of allegations of malfeasance by their husbands. Their main purpose for organizing is to protect themselves from their own husbands, that is, against possible repercussions over their acquiring houses abroad without their husbands' knowledge? The money used to buy these properties is called "pabaon" and the titles on the houses is, in turn, called "pasalubong!"

New word coined from the name 'Rabusa'

This might well be the newest word in Tagalog colloquialism. Example, when a misdeed is exposed, you can say: "Narabusaan siya!", as in "Nasagasaan siya!" Or when threatening a colleague at the customs bureau: "Gusto mo bang marabusa?" To the credit of Jun Lozada, one can say, "Marami siyang nalozadaan, kahit na walang nangyari." Sad to say, though, Lozada has had his five minutes of fame, and is now considered a mere bystander and is, regretfully, passé!

Catholic church blamed for population explosion

Even the distribution of condoms to the populace, particularly in the impoverished areas, cannot quell the multiplication of babies, wanted or unwanted. What is the church thinking? You cannot have sex and enjoy it, too? The arguments about birth control and abortion resound in the popular riddle, "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?", which can only be answered with a guess. Worst case scenario: When a priest impregnates the cute seminary help and the case is brought to the bishop's attention for a just disposition, the culprit is chastised by the bishop, with raised eyebrows and whispering askance, "You should have used a condom, father! Next time, spare us the embarassment!" The only way to stop the population explosion is to make vasectomy mandatory, or perhaps, better still promote gay relationships but without the trauma of marriage. (President Noynoy should not be blamed for hemming and hawing on the abortion bill, who while promising the people he would work on its passage had to toe the line with the Catholic church. After all, he might run for re-election, no matter what Kris says!)

All men are not created equal

It is unfair that a great many of us work ourselves to death without anything to show for it later. Even Nonito Donaire has to train relentlessly to improve his skills and stamina in order to earn some three hundred-fifty thousand dollars (money he made from his last fight). After paying his crew and settling promotional expenses, he will still have a substantial amount to deposit in the bank equivalent to earnings from many hours that a pedicab driver has to work for to be able to buy the day's meal or from the years of service that a government worker has to raise for a decent retirement pay. How early does a market vendor have to get up to get a space at the local tianggehan? How often does a fisherman has to risk his life to go out fishing even in stormy weather? It is ironic that those who do the least work get to receive the highest pay and acquire wealth way above their means. The poor working man at least earns his money no matter how meager. While the retired general just has to have friends in the right places and get (not earn) millions in varying types of retirement benefits ("pabaon," "pasalubong"—a more appropriate term for it would be "palusot!") All men are not created equal—some are more "equal" than others and some even more "unequal," or however you may want to put it.

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We also have the obituary section:

Died

Our trust in government and its workings have died after lingering senate investigations, which do nothing to alleviate the serious condition it is in. We can say that trust in government died from natural causes. Our sincere condolences to those who truly serve the people.

Died

Some promises of President Noynoy gave up the ghost due to gross negligence on the operating table. Too many doctors snipping and cutting recklessly into the entrails of the patient, eventually rendering him lifeless.

Died

Our trust in the ombudsman system. Its condition had been deemed beyond saving. The principal patient, Merceditas Gutierrez, lingered between life and death after the exposure of the notorious NBN-ZTE deal, although she managed to stay alive clutching a lifeline that extended as far as Malacañang. We can only give our token condolences to those sitting ombudsmen who are staying on by the skin of their teeth.

Died

Our trust in the Land Transportation Office chief. Despite her denials of an alleged tie-up with carnappers, she would rather explain why stolen vehicles are registered with various license plates at that. How else can car thieves thrive? Fixers abound at every local LTO branch office like they were natural fixtures to facilitate service to the public.

Died

Likewise, our trust in the police. Dealing with carnappers, drug pushers and users (addicts). The law enforcers might make sporadic, token raids, but it is all for show! They should be the ones behind bars, not outside the cell, celebrating their days' take by drinking.

Interment will be announced later, do not send flowers. Cash donations will be accounted for by the government auditing office.


[About the author. Wilfrido David first retired as Computer-Analyst from the Ayala Group of Companies. He immigrated to the US in 1985, worked there for another 25 years in the Medical Field (Medical Lab Tech), until he retired for the second time. Sometime ago, he was involved with FAANM (Filipino-American Association of New Mexico) as correspondent-contributor-writer-editor, publisher—all rolled into one. He says about that stint, "I ran out of energy, patience, and money but kept on with my duties until the next set of association officers were voted in." The earliest writing he did was for his high school paper in Holy Angel University. His present writing derives from the perspective of a Filipino expat in the US who faithfully keeps up with what's happening in the home country, as gleaned from his Filipino channels on DirecTV, aside from CNN and HLN.]

-Posted: 8:15 AM 3/2/11 | More of this author on eK!
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